New Year

It's a new year. For so long a new year has meant new beginnings, new babies, new promises, new memories, new everything. But, this year, a new year means something else.

I have written this post in my head a million times and it never seems good enough. So I've just stayed away from my little blog because I just can't seem to get the words right. Then, I realized that the words are never going to be right no matter how long I stay away or practice the post in my mind. Things have changed this year.

My best friend's cancer is now untreatable. That's where my mind is. That's why my words are lost and never, ever, good enough. Life is changing and I am absolutely heartbroken. A term I've used so much the past month that it doesn't even seem worthy.

My best friend is the strongest most unbelievable person I know and part of my soul feels lost. We started our friendship in second grade. Over two decades ago. We've been through boy craziness together (A LOT of it), awkward middle school years (don't make me pull out pictures of my bowl cut), daring high school years (we thought we could conquer the world), college (late night talks & Sex & The City marathons), loves, breakups, countless trips and more laughs than I could ever try to count. My best friend is amazing.

My mind is filled with memories of us. Beautiful, amazing, memories. Someday I will write about them. About ALL of them. But, today is not that day.

Just know, that when I'm writing a mommy update or posting a smiling picture or funny story that inside my heart is breaking. I pray a lot. I hug my girls a lot. I text my girlfriends who are hurting too. I cry to my husband. I cry for her family. I cry for my best friend. I cry for me.

I think about the lyrics to "Even If" by Kutless at night when I lay in bed...

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One

I've learned to take life one day at a time, something that's really hard for the planner in me. I soak up our visits together. I pray that no matter what happens that I will never stop believing that God is good.

I do not understand but I know that God is good. After all, he did lead me into my best friend's path 22 years ago and truly, I haven't stopped smiling since.

May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. --Psalm 33:22