Dreams

It's been over a month since I lost Missy and sometimes I think my grief is getting harder. Maybe because the shock is wearing off and what I'm left with is the realization that she's gone. Forever. Permanently. I try to not dwell on the unfairness of it all, but man is it ever unfair.

This week I dreamt about her. We were putting on makeup and getting ready to go out. Something we did hundreds of times together. When she was finished with her makeup she turned to me and asked how it looked. And, it looked so beautiful. Like movie star beautiful and I told her. Then I hugged her and wouldn't let go. When I looked at us in the mirror (me hugging her still) she was giving me a little smirk but more of a look like, "WHY are you still hugging me?" I didn't want to let go but eventually did.

Then I woke up and was reminded that it was all just a dream. She is still gone and this is life now. I went on with my day and later randomly broke down in the car with my sweet sleeping Gracen in the backseat. And I cried and then I cried some more. I haven't cried like that in a while so I think that's why the tears flowed so easily. Then I did something I knew Missy would appreciate. I went to Graeter's and bought a pint of Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip ice cream :) When I got home I attempted (and luckily failed) to eat the entire pint. And I felt a little better. For now at least.

I miss her. Everyday. How I wish we could get ready together and hug like we did in my dream. I am surrounded by all of our memories and that makes me smile. Leighton has been sleeping with a puppy Missy gave her when she was a baby and that makes me smile. I smile when I think of her and that is good. I just wish I could hug her one more time. One day Missy, one day, I will hug you again.