The best advice I never received

When you're pregnant everyone has advice for you (mostly unsolicited I might add lol). They seem to know it all, the secret to those sleepless nights, how to swaddle, how to breastfeed, how you have to breastfeed, the magic cure for "colic" and gas, what baby items you MUST have and the list goes on and on. But one thing they fail to mention is just how scary it is to be a parent sometimes. How you will worry over bumps and bruises and lose sleep over the bigger worries. The ones you have no control over. They never mention how as a parent you will feel incredible guilt over the things you can't control and how just out of control you will feel sometimes.

Yesterday as we drove our little baby girl to the hospital I felt so guilty. She was in the best mood despite being woken up 3 hours earlier than usual. She was singing, smiling and holding our hands in the car. I felt like I was leading her to the lion's den. She had no clue what was in store for the day and though I knew we were taking her to get "better" and she was going to be surrounded by amazing care, I still couldn't shake the feeling. I just wanted to be able to take her place. To make everything she was about to go through go away.

Signing consent forms and talking with the doctors and nurses about the procedure made me feel so helpless. I told Toby that I didn't feel "old" enough to be having a conversation with a doctor about my baby, like I needed to turn around and let my mom take over. Even though I'm almost 28 years old and have been a mom for almost two years I still am learning. New feelings, new emotions, new experiences arise everyday and part of being a parent is learning how to take them in stride. I have learned there are things that are just out of your control and no matter how much you pray they disappear that won't always be the case.

Yesterday was one of those "learning" days for me. I had to trust that God would be watching over my baby and her doctors knew what they were doing. I had to give my control over as a parent to a stranger. It did help that Leighton was such a champ all morning (she did spit out the first round of "calming" meds all over the pre-op room but took the second round like a pro). Once her meds kicked in she was acting so goofy that Toby and I couldn't focus on our worry too much because we were too busy laughing. There was a large picture of a parrot on the wall and she kept pointing to it and saying, "maaaaa-maaaaa, caaaaat, caaaaaat, caaaaaat in da haaaaaat." We had no clue what she was talking about but it was so dang cute. She also harrassed her first nurse for an Elmo sticker for a full 10 minutes. She had to go on the hunt for one because Leighton was not satisfied with Dora or Strawberry Shortcake. She would just hand them back to the nurse and say, "Nah, Elmo???"

Her procedure went perfectly. We were told it would take a little over two hours so when they called after an hour and twenty minutes to tell us they were "finished" we were amazed and so so relieved. The waiting was by far the worst part. Over three hours passed from the time they took her from my arms to the time they took me back to see her in recovery. Three LONG hours that I pray I never have to endure again. The rest of the day went smoothly and they sent us home late afternoon with a short list of special orders (no baths, swimming or jumping through the weekend) and a follow-up appointment scheduled for 4 weeks. It was over. The day I had been dreading for close to two months was over and it felt great, like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

As we were leaving the children's hospital I couldn't help but think of the parents who weren't so lucky, who wouldn't be going home after a short and successful procedure and who didn't have the positive diagnosis. My heart hurts for them as I can only begin to imagine what emotions they go through on a daily basis. Our worry and anxiety seems short when thinking of them and I just pray that God will lay his hands on their shoulders and carry them through.

The best advice I never received was not really advice at all. It was a feeling, a lesson, a learned moment from above that we aren't alone in this terrifying (at times) parenting journey. Sometimes we have to rely on faith and prayer to get us through the tough times. I'm still learning that every single day and I am so thankful I have the chance to keep learning because this job as a mama is my favorite one in life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

It's ok mama I am going to be just fine.


Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. --Proverbs 3:5.